INSTRUCTIONS: Please choose any one monologue from the list below.

Almost In Love: Chapter 8: Story of Grace

MAN: Oh, come on. You give yourself too much credit. He was young. That’s all you need to get your hopes dashed: Be young. And everybody starts out young, so…everybody gets their hopes dashed, and besides…I don’t think you really dashed his hopes. ‘Cause if you dash somebody’s hopes—well that’s…kind of a nice way to let ‘em down, ‘cause it hurts…but it’s quick. If you’d have said, “No,” that woulda been “dashing his hopes”. (Beat.) But you didn’t say, “No.” You said nothin’. You just didn’t answer him. At all. And that’s…killin’ hope the long, slow, painful way, ‘cause it’s still there just hangin’ on, never really goes away. And that’s…kinda like givin’ somebody else a little less air to breathe every day. Till they die.

Importance of Being Earnest: Act III

Jack. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he … stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.

Eternal Space Logic

PARKER: I don't think that's true. I think we'll lose things at the back of it. We'll forget we bought yogurt, and then we'll forget we bought yogurt again, and again, and again, and .... There will be rotten yogurt in the inner secret physical impossible recesses of our kitchen trailing back thousands of miles. There will be shelves of yogurt. Hundreds of thousands of dollars of yogurt, lining infinite shelves, pushed back one after the other, over and over and over by us just

shoving new yogurt at the front. Until one day, you and me have a fight about the smell. And one of us puts on our boots and takes a three mile hike into the fridge along yogurt ravine back there. On and on past mountains of unpasteurized rotting dairy. And the person trying to get the yogurt will be tired, and fall asleep in the inner, forever cheese drawers of the fridge. And the other one will forget about it and close the fridge up. And then one of us, the intrepid fridge explorer, will die. Will die in a cold, lonely sleep. It's an opening to a new world and that world will be cold, and eternal. And it will be full of oceans and rivers of milk substitutes streaming out over glaciers of forgotten shrimp. Forgotten Shrimp. And wasted, wasted bacon. And old, nasty eggs. It's a cold, rotting death trap. And we both know that the one who dies inside the fridge ... will be me!

Goodbye Charles by Gabriel Davis

CYNTHIA

Don't do it! Don't open that little box one more crack! Don't ask me to marry you. Shh, shh, shh. Don't say another word. Just listen. 

I can't let you do this to me. I mean, before I met you I used be such a jerk. I mean, seriously, everyone at work thought I was a huge jerk. No one actually liked me. Those people I introduced to you as my friends. They're not my friends. They're scared of me.

But since being with you, I've begun to feel all ...warm inside. Fuzzy. I find myself wanting to stroll in the park and whistle!

I have these thoughts, these urges to donate to charities and

help out in soup kitchens, and hug people.

Don't you see? Don't you see you're making me NICE!? And what really scares me is that you'll open that box and ask me to marry you, and I’ll..l 'll just nicely say "yes;' and then I'll be nice for life.

Please, for the love of God, put that box away. I mean, the planet already has millions of nice people. It doesn't need me too. Please, stop, don't-I'm asking you - No, I'm begging you - I'm getting down on my knees.

Will you please, please not marry me?

God of Carnage

MICHAEL. Yes. This hamster makes the most godawful racket all night, then spends the whole day fast asleep! Henry was in a lot of pain last night; he was being driven crazy by the noise that the hamster was making. And, to tell you the truth, I've been wanting to get rid of it for a long time, so I said to myself, OK, that's it, I took it and put it in the street. I thought they loved drains and gutters and all that, but I guess not, it just sat there paralyzed on the sidewalk. Well, they're not domestic animals, they're not wild animals, I don't really know where their natural habitat is. Dump them in the woods, they're probably just as unhappy, so I don't know where you're supposed to put them.

Sitting Pretty by Amy Rosenthal

Luka shakes his head

Pity. I wanted to catch him before anyone got here. Still. Probably not a bad thing. I'd only have made a fool of myself again. (Beat) What must you

think of us all? But, you keep it to yourself. It's rare, that. Most of us talk all the bloody time. I know I do. It's the therapy, you see. The first time you go, you think, how can I possibly open my mouth and my heart to this stranger? How can I ever start to speak, let alone tell the truth? But then, when you do, it's surprisingly easy. And it becomes addictive. And then, if you do it for long enough, you start to do it with everyone. I do, anyway. Just open my mouth and ''plop'', my life falls out. I'm doing it now. (Beat) I like you, Luka. ls that saying too much again? I was brought up to believe that you shouldn't let people know how much you like them. Shouldn't appear too eager. Let them come to you. But I've never been able to quite pull it off, the cool disregard. I always feel like our dog, bounding up, all over-enthusiastic, trying to mate with people all the time. Not that I try to mate with people all the time. (Beat) Not all people, anyway.